Four years ago today, I had a miscarriage. This was the second to hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life.
Michael & I tried for a long time to get pregnant. I had come off the pill around june the year before and it was just a complete struggle. I got my period every two weeks for three months, then didn’t get it for two months, so on and so on. And then finally, in December, I found out we were pregnant. We were ecstatic.
I began to show early which was a struggle for me b/c I constantly worried about what people were thinking “shh…she’s only 2 mos. pregnant and already in maternity clothes….dear god”.
I was around 11 weeks pregnant, fastly approaching that 12 week mark. Excited b/c our next dr. appt. was around the corner and we were going to get to hear the heartbeat for the first time. Then I had a bad dream. I dreamt that I was sitting on the toilet and looked down and there was blood everywhere and you could tell that I had lost the baby. I was screaming for my mom and told her to look in the toilet.
This dream completely freaked me out. Everyone told me not to worry about it. Its just a dream. But to me it didn’t feel that way.
Two days later it happened.
I woke up and felt wet down there. I don’t think I ever moved so fast before in my life. I looked at the sheets and there was blood. I started to say “oh my God” repeatedly and ran for the bathroom. I called mike to the bathroom and told him that I was bleeding. Heavily. He called my dr’s. office and they told me to head to the hospital.
The whole way there, I prayed. I prayed to god that if he just let this all be okay I would do anything. I would go to church, I would quit cussing, I would be a better person, anything. My mom met us there where she took care of mikey while I went into the room. I looked like a mess. I felt outta my body. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me.
They took me back for an ultrasound. Both an external and an internal one. Mike wasn’t allowed to go back with me and I wasn’t allowed to see the screen. And of course, no one could tell me what was going on.
Once we were back in the room, we were waiting for the emergency room doctor to come and tell us the results. Even though the doors were heavy, I could hear him sigh deeply as he stood in front of the door. Once he came in, I asked him if that was him that sighed, he said “you heard that?”. I knew right then.
They wheeled me up to labor & delivery which was the last place that I wanted to be and had to go past the nursery to get to my room. They were going to perform a d&c so I had to be admitted, and wait for the doctor. My doctor is simply the best. she came and explained everything to us and gave us all her sympathy.
Then came the pain. I literally felt like I was in labor. I had to be drugged before I was even knocked out for the procedure.
Finally, it was all over. I just wanted to go home. I did well the first few hours. I think I was still in a great deal of shock. My husband was the best and so was my mom. I was doing so well at first that I told my mom I would go shopping with her the next day.
The next day rolled around and needless to say, I didn’t feel like doing anything but laying on the couch. I didn’t take phone calls, I didn’t really speak, no one could touch my stomach. It was bad. As the days went on though, I started to feel a lil bit better. If it wasn’t for Michael……
So now its four years later and occasionally I think about that child. what he or she would have been like, would it have been a boy or a girl, what would he or she look like. It’s a child that I will never forget but know that if I wouldn’t have lost him/her I wouldn’t have bella.
And without a doubt, that makes the hurt go away.
Sorry this is such a downer of a post, but I needed to do this.
edited to add: you guys are awesome. seriously. my heart swelled with each kind word that you guys sent. you def. helped make today more bearable. just knowing that there are friends out there just to listen to you makes my life all the more pleasant.
luv u all!