Tuesday, February 21, 2006


disclaimer: if you are not interested in hearing about my trip to the obgyn and the exciting period i have had this month, please, exit now.

for your own good!

on to the story. i really had a hard time trying to decide if whether or not i would post such a pleasant story next to the cookies, but what the hell. everyone is entitled to good laugh, esp. at my expense.


*got period at 16.

*its been fucked up ever since.

*been on i don't know how many types of birth control pills.

*freak out every time something is different and wonder freakishly if i have some rare disease or if i have cancer.

*probably have "special" notes in my file about what kind of patient i am.

*waste moo-la on appointments that i really don't need to go to.

*on current pill that i am on i start on tuesday, only have the period from about 6 am to 5 pm and then i'm good till the next morning. usually only lasts for three-five days. hardly anything. glad to see ya, glad it was a short visit, now go away please type of deal.

okay, so anyway, this month i start a friggin' week early. AT WORK. we all know how much fun that is. crampin' like a mo-fo. heavier then normal. def. not 6 am-5pm deal. the only thing i wanna do is reach up there myself and pull my ovaries out. i mean seriously.

so now that i am on day 7 i decide to give my dr's. office a call. i mean there could be something "seriously" wrong with me. i've had my period for seven days for jiminy christmas. so i make the call and talk to the "pleasant" (said with utter sarcasm) girl that answers the phone. give her the run down and she proceeds to diagnose me and tell me that the doctor will prolly just tell me that its normal and to continue taking the pill. but someone will call me back. i get the phone call later that evening and the doctor wants to see me.

oh God! if she wants to see me, then it must be something bad. i lay in bed with mike and go over and over with him about what could be wrong with me. what if its endometriosis? what if thats not my cervix that i feel that is pushing my tampons in a completely different direction? (yes, i know what my cervix feels like. back in my trying to get pregnant days, i checked my cervix, took my temperature, checked my cervical fluid. all that fun stuff. i became pretty good friends with my hoo-hoo. more so then i already was ;)

so this a.m. i got up and tried to get in the shower early. i mean i had obgyn appt. prep to do. i need to shave my legs, i need to take care of other regions with the razor. i then needed to make sure that i packed an extra pair of socks to put on. the shoes i was going to be wearing made my feet sweat, and ya'll don't even want to know what thats like.

so 1:30 arrives and its time for my appt. a lil nervous due to thinking about what could be wrong with me and do they really have my file flagged as a major hypercondiac?

so they call me back. i explain to the nurse the deal and she leaves me to undress from the waste down and wait for my doctor. as soon as the door is shut, i make the mad dash to get undress. i mean i have to hurry before she walks back in. not to mention i have to change my socks and God only knows what will go in my file if they see me changing my socks.

so there i am, neked from the waste down, trying to unfold the sheets. what's that? holy crap, my undies are hanging off the chair outta my pants. can't have my doctor seeing the undies, so i hop down, shake my pants out b/c one leg is inside out from my mad dash to get those socks off, stuff my undies inside my pants and half ass fold them and get my ass back on the table.

oh wait. i have a tampon in. do i take it out? what if she takes too long and i'm sitting on butcher paper with no tampon in? should i ask? that's what i'll do, i'll open the door half ass neked and ask. crack open the door and look down the hallway, no one is there. oh God, what do i do? so i leave it in.

in comes the doctor. we exchange our hello's and do the whole how are the kids thing. then she wants to know whats going on. i explain the whole thing prolly sounding like a complete nut. i go into the fact that i'm worried b/c i have problems getting pregnant which i get i confused look as a response. you have trouble getting pregnant? i don't remember that she says. oh yeah, it took me 6 mos. to get pregnant with bella. oh my dear, in doctor terms, we don't consider "having trouble getting pregnant" until after a year or so of trying. damn, another mark in my file. so we continue to chit chat, including letting her know that i have a tampon in. oh thats okay she says, you can take it out in a minute.

i can take it out? how the hell am i going to do that? so she tells me to take it out (seriously, i can't believe i'm even typing this for total strangers to read) and i stand on that lil step from the floor to the table looking at my hoo-hoo thinking, how do i do this in front of someone? so then i have to clear my throat a lil and ask her if she can hand me a paper towel. oh someone, please kill me now.

so anyway, get the exam, everything's all good. nothing to worry about. that is except feeling like a total fool. so she leaves and i have to make another mad dash of not only getting dressed and changing my socks again, i have to now put a tampon in. never done that standing up before.

i walk down to the payment desk just knowing the smugness that "pleasant" receptionist had knowing that she was right, paid my bill, and hit the road.

the saddest part is i called greta to inform her that there is nothing wrong with me. i mean with almost a bit of disappointment. how crazy is that? i mean if even the tiniest thing was wrong with me then that would justify my need to be seen right?

shit, i am a wackadoo.

sorry if this post grossed anyone out, but hey, i warned ya. not to mention i need something to reference to if next month's period is not "normal".


Pink Rocket said...

well...i'm laughing! but not at you but because i'm relating. i've gone as long as not having a period for 11 months!! mine is so wacky that the husband thinks i'm going to die from cervical cancer before he gets back from kuwait. nothing's wrong with me. i'm good...just a little wacky is all!

The Shopping Sherpa said...

Was that a freudian about "she leaves me to undress from the waste down"? ;-)

I swear by Loette (not sure if you can get it there or if it has another name). I don't get periods ever. OK maybe around an hour a year. It's great :-D

Greta said...

oh girl i am wiping tears from my eyes b/c i can just see all this in my mind...i hate to tell ya love but yes you are a wackadoo....ROTFLMAO

April said...

LMAO! you are cracking me up dude....

"i became pretty good friends with my hoo-hoo."



V said...

Oh Elizabeth!!!! LOL!!! you poor thing!

joyce said...

i'm glad to hear everything turned out fine and that you're okay -- but oh my - you made me laugh with your pre and post stories for seeing the doctor. i'm sure all ladies "groom" themselves before seeing the "gyn" including me =)

Jennifer said...

You've just made me feel a whole lot better about a) my worrying about what's going on down there sometimes and b) what antics I do at the dr.'s office so I don't look like a weird-o, though I prolly end up looking just like the type of person I was trying to avoid looking like.

Amanda said...

Been there. I am so totally screwed up period wise, ever since having kids. It is insane. I have finally given up the pill because a) I have a period every 2 weeks that is horrible and lasts up to 10 days and b) it makes me depressed and crazy. I can identify!

julia said...

LOf'ingL! You are so funny, and not a freak, and I could relate to everything (except the socks, LOL, did I say you are FUNNY!?).

And I know what you mean about being slightly disappointed that there was nothing wrong. Not that you really wished to be ill. I do understand, I've def had that feeling before. That being said, I'm glad there was nothing wrong with you!

I have whacked periods, too, BTW.

Barb said...

I was on the pill in my early 20's, and my system has never been the same since. Totally screwed everything up. That causes a lot of women to have candida issues. Never again will I mess with my hormones like that. I can't believe the doctor didn't remove the tampon. Mine fully would have done that AND made me feel comfortable. Find a better doctor. One who makes you feel safe and normal. Seriously. Mine has told me I'm normal enough now that all is well emotionally too. With my old doctor I had all kinds of issues, including bad paps, all kinds of tests, etc, and not enough answers to my questions. Now I've found someone who is more thorough, more knowledgeable, and kinder.